


Leaving For Good (Letters from Lance)

by ProfessionalMess



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Sad Lance (Voltron), Violence but like, a lil klance, a lot of sad, angsty angst, loads of emotional turmoil that literally no one asked for, not a ton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:58:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12868017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessionalMess/pseuds/ProfessionalMess
Summary: "Dear Paladins of Voltron (and Coran),If you're reading this, then that means you've forced your way into my bedroom and discovered that I'm no longer in it. It means that you found my computer, and noticed that I left something behind for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't leave something bigger, better, worth your time and effort, but I'm not very good in that area. I don't know how to be... enough."





	Leaving For Good (Letters from Lance)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the song i listened to while i wrote this giant mess, so have a little listen if you want  
> https://youtu.be/vTpZdfm7iuk

 

"Lance?" Hunk said, his voice traveling softly through the door. "Hey, buddy. It's been five days, are you sure you're okay?"

Lance looked up from his computer to glance at the door before shaking his head, clearing his throat to speak. "I'm fine. Like I said before, I just need some space for awhile. Thanks for checking in, though."

Lance hoped Hunk couldn't tell he'd been crying, he tried to make his voice as strong as possible, but he knew it was pointless with the way Hunk sighed, his exasperation evident. Lance shrunk away from the door, wishing that Hunk would just walk away.

"Lance, please come out. We miss you, dude."

"Not today, Hunk. Maybe tomorrow."

Hunk paused, likely determining whether or not he could break the door down, before he sighed again and turned to leave. Lance waited until his footsteps faded down the hall before gently easing open the door and grabbing the tray of food that was waiting for him on the floor. Lance carried the tray back to his bed and set it next to his computer, resuming his typing as he scooped spoonfuls of goop into his mouth.

Lance knew that it annoyed the other Paladins when Lance disappeared like this, because they didn't understand. They were unaware of how long it took Lance to work up the strength to come out every day, to face the other members of a team that he felt like he didn't belong to.

He knew every Paladin had their problems, and had their ways to deal with them, and this was Lance's. Hiding in his room helped Lance ignore all of the things he felt, because he didn't have to see the people that made him feel them.

It was simple, really.

He didn't have to feel like an extra, useless part of the team if he wasn't training with them, or trying to follow along when they talked about plans and missions and getting hopelessly confused anyway. He didn't have to feel like an inferior pilot if he wasn't flying with them, and he didn't have to feel annoying if he wasn't watching their reactions to the way he spoke and interacted with them.

Lance could just lay on his bed and feel cared for, cared about, even though he knew Hunk was getting more and more irritated about having to bring him food at every meal, and Keith was getting more and more irritated that Lance was neglecting his training every day.

None of it mattered, anyway. He would be gone just as soon as he could be.

Lance quickly scanned his computer screen, organizing everything that he had been working on for the past couple of days into folders and sections. He almost had everything he needed to be able to go, so he'd probably leave tonight.

Lance didn't really want to think about how his teammates would react when they found out he was gone, but it was all he could focus on. If he ever came back, he could only hope that they wouldn't hate him. But, maybe they should. Maybe he deserved it.

Maybe he wasn't supposed to be a part of this team after all.

Once everything was ready, Lance laid on his bed, letting the tears soak his sheets as he waited for everyone to fall asleep. Keith was normally the last to bed, besides Pidge, but Lance knew that she rarely left the lab and was  _incredibly_  loud, so she would be easy to avoid.

Once he heard Keith's door open and close across the hall, he waited, then slipped out of his own door, looking either way before trekking through the castle to the escape pod hangar.

Lance took one more look around him at the Castle of Lions, feeling a sad sort of contentedness at all of the memories he had here, before climbing aboard a pod and flying away, out into the blackness of space.

* * *

"Will you go check on Lance for me?" Allura asked the castle mice, a worried look on her face.

This was the longest Lance had ever locked himself away, and Allura was incredibly worried about him, and the team as a whole. The team couldn't go this long without Lance. He was, for all intents and purposes, the glue holding them together.

The mice were running off before Allura even had time to thank them, and she watched as they pulled themselves into the air vents and scurried away, off to find out how Lance was doing.

Allura tried to keep herself busy while they were gone, but she couldn't stop wondering about what the mice were going to find. Allura knew that Lance had been eating, since the food that Hunk left was always gone when he returned with more, but Allura had no other information on his wellbeing. Was he sleeping well? How long did he plan on staying hidden?

Allura guiltily wished for an attack from the Galra, just so they could see Lance again.

He would come out if they needed him, right?

The mice interrupted Allura's thought process, their urgent squeaks making her heart squeeze in fear.

"What do you mean, he's not there?" Allura asked, her eyes widening. She pulled up the ship's statistics on her computer and scanned the map, counting the biorhythms. There was one less than usual. Allura checked the Lion hangars next, confused when she saw that none were missing and gasping when she saw that one of the escape pods  _was_.

"He- he took an escape pod?  _Why?_ " Allura left her room and practically ran down the halls, the mice following close behind as she made her way to Lance's room. The mice wiggled under the door and unlocked it from the inside, allowing Allura to come in and confirm what the mice had already told her.

Lance wasn't here.

The only thing that was left of him was his computer, situated in the middle of his bed. The screen was on, displaying what looked like a note. Allura picked it up and read it, her face crumpling the more she read. Then, she was looking farther, seeing more letters, one for everyone.

"Paladins," Allura spoke into the comms, her voice trembling. "please meet me in the kitchen."

Then Allura walked, very slowly, to the kitchen, the mice behind her, and Lance's computer clutched between her fingertips.

* * *

"Why are we here, Allura?" Keith asked, always one to get down to business. "And, why isn't Lance here?"

"We're here to talk about Lance, Keith," Allura answered, looking around the table at each of them. "When was the last time any of you heard from him?"

Allura just wanted to know how long he'd been gone.

"He told me to go away last night, about like he normally does." Hunk supplied, shrugging. "He didn't answer this morning, but he's probably just still sleeping."

Allura looked down at the table, barely shaking her head. She pulled out her computer, or,  _Lance's_  computer, and set it on the table.

"Oh, cool!" Pidge exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. "That's Lance's computer! Did you get him to talk to you, or open the door, or something?"

"Not... exactly," Allura said, glancing away from everyone's confused but hopeful faces.

"Then, how'd you get his computer?" Keith asked, crossing his arms.

"As far as I can tell," Allura began, taking a deep breath. "Lance... left last night. Left, as in, took an escape pod and  _flew away_. His biorhythm is missing from the ship, as well as a pod from the hangar. He's... gone."

Allura hadn't seen the Paladins this visibly distraught since Shiro had gone missing, and it broke her heart.

"Can't we... can't we track the escape pod?" Pidge asked, already reaching for her computer. Allura shook her head.

"Why not?" Keith demanded.

"The escape pods are meant for  _escaping_ , usually from dangerous situations. If the escape pods were trackable and the ship fell into the wrong hands, what would be the point of getting away?"

Keith crossed his arms and glared at the table, unwilling to admit that it made sense when it inconvenienced him.

"He... left?" Hunk asked, looking at Allura with wide, teary eyes.

"He left a note," Allura said, gesturing towards Lance's computer.

"Read it," Coran said, speaking up for the first time.

Allura nodded, pulling up the file on the screen and taking a breath before beginning to read.

_Dear Paladins of Voltron (and Coran),_

  
_If you're reading this, then that means you've forced your way into my bedroom and discovered that I'm no longer in it. It means that you found my computer, and noticed that I left something behind for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't leave something bigger, better, worth your time and effort, but I'm not very good in that area. I don't know how to be... enough. That's why I'm leaving, in part. You guys are too nice to tell me the truth, but I'm good at reading people. I grew up in a big family, I can tell when I'm not wanted, when I don't bring anything useful to the table. So I've taken one for the team and kicked myself off of it, just so that you guys don't have to. You're welcome, in advance. As for the other reason I'm leaving, well, I came across the information that might be of use to us. But, it's dangerous, and very likely to be a dead end, or impossible to accomplish, and I thought that if I told you about it, I'd get your hopes up only to let you down, like I always do. So I'm setting out on my own. I'll either come back with something useful for the team, or I won't come back at all. If I don't come back, then you'll have been right about me. Worthless, easily replaced. It won't be hard at all to find someone to pick up where I left off. If I come back... well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, don't expect anything. I'll probably end up dead on an alien planet, having been an inconvenience 'til my very last day._  
_I left you all more detailed and personalized letters on my computer. They shouldn't be hard to find. Don't miss me, though, okay? Remember, I'm doing you a favor._

 _Deepest Regards,_  
_Lance_

The room was silent as Allura finished the letter, looking around at the faces as she finished. They looked devastated. Coran had slid to the floor, his head in his hands, his mustache twitching as he tried to keep his face from falling apart. Pidge looked like she had seen a ghost, her face even paler than normal, her fists clenched at her sides.

Hunk's eyes were wide and his face was still as tears slid down his cheeks and fell to his lap, a slight plop accompanying each one. Keith, well, Allura had never seen more emotion present on Keith's face, not even when Shiro went missing. Keith looked like he wanted to hit something, and hug someone, and cry all day while refusing to cry at all.

Team Voltron looked broken, to say the least.

"I'm sending his personalized letters to your computer, you can read them on your own time. Other than that, you're free to go." Allura all but whispered, tapping the screen of Lance's computer a few time to do just that.

Keith hopped up almost immediately, storming out of the room and heading towards the training deck, looking to beat up some unlucky gladiators.

Coran stood from his crouched position on the floor and put his hand on Hunk's shoulder, helping him stand and leading him out of the room. By the time they had left and Allura turned back to the table, Pidge was gone as well, leaving her alone with Lance's computer and the mice.

"Lance wrote you guys a letter," Allura told them, gesturing towards the screen. "He wrote us  _all_  a letter. Every Paladin, every Altean, every Lion. That boy sure has a lot to say."

Allura missed his rambling already. Who was going to fill the silence if he wasn't here to do it? Who was going to keep them together, raise their spirits, joke about every situation under the sun?

How could anyone ever possibly replace Lance, and how could Lance believe that it was such an easy thing to do?

Allura didn't understand humans.

* * *

"Any sign of him?" Keith asked, sticking his head into the control room.

"Sadly, no," Coran answered, flinching as Keith cursed and punched the wall, leaving as quickly as he came.

The absence of Lance was truly taking a toll on the team, and Coran worried for each and every one of them, Keith in particular. He had been training almost nonstop the past week, only taking breaks to eat or ask about Lance. Coran wished that he had some sort of good news he could give him, but it was radio silence.

Cora hadn't heard from Lance, nor did he think he was going to.

"Coran," Allura said, entering the room as gracefully as she always did.

"Yes, Princess?" Coran answered, spinning around to face her.

"It's been an unnervingly long time since the last Galra attack, and, with Lance gone... I just want to be prepared. You're the only other option for a Paladin, and, I think, given the circumstances, Red will let you be her temporary pilot. I also think that you should read her the letter that Lance wrote for her, and the letter that Lance wrote for you. Perhaps it will help you two bond."

Coran had always dreamed about piloting a Lion, but never like this, under these circumstances. It made him sick to his stomach to think that he was taking over for Lance,  _replacing_  him, for who knows how long.

"I'll give it a try, Princess," Coran promised, even though his knees weakened at the thought of reading his letter, or Red's letter, for that matter.

"Thank you, Coran," Allura said, her eyes telling him that she understood, that it wasn't easy on any of them to read, or even think about, their letters from Lance.

Coran left the control room and made his way towards the Lion hangars, a place that he rarely visited. Red had her shield up when Coran came to a stop in front of her, but he didn't allow himself to be discouraged quite yet. The universe needed her to let him in, and Coran knew she would come around.

"Well, hello, Red," Coran greeted, sitting down in front of her. "I know that I'm no Lance, absolutely no one could equal him, but Lance... isn't here right now. And in order to protect the universe, there may come a time when I need to pilot you in Lance's place." 

Red tilted her head down closer to Coran but kept her shield up, effectively locking him out, but giving him hope.

"Lance left you and I a letter," Coran continued, pulling out his computer. "Would you like me to read yours?" A gentle rumble echoed throughout the hangar, which Coran took as a yes. Coran pulled up Red's letter on his computer screen and began to read, smiling as Red closed her eyes to listen.

_Dear Red,_

  
_Since you're the fastest Lion, I feel inclined to write you the longest letter, so that you're forced to suffer through it until the end. But, I need you to_ not  _hate me if I ever come back, so I promise that I won't. I figure that Coran will probably be your next pilot, and I know that you'll probably still be waiting for me, but I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I need you to open up to him. The universe really needs him, really needs_ you _, even though it fucked up with me. I don't want anyone to blame you for the things I've done, and I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing this on you, but please. At least consider it. If you want, you can even pretend Coran is me and let him pilot you that way until I get back. If I get back._  
_I'm really gonna miss you, girl. I hope I come back, just so I can fly you again, even if it's just for one more time, just for old time's sake. I know Keith was probably a better pilot, and who knows, maybe one day you can have him back, but for now, I really need you to choose Coran. I promise he'll take good care of you. I'll beat him up if he doesn't. You gotta take good care of him, too, just like you took care of me. I'm counting on you. Make me proud, like you have so many other times before._

 _Until Next Time,_  
_Lance_

Red's body shuddered as she laid on the ground, her eyes still closed. Coran felt like Red wanted him to read his letter, too, so he pulled it up next and prefaced it by clearing his throat.

_Dear Coran,_

  
_Boy, I already miss joking around with you, buddy. You're like a father to me, and I really appreciate everything you've done for me and the rest of the team. Without you, we would all be a lot more sad and lonely. You're like a beacon of hope and light, and that's incredibly necessary for the situation we've found ourselves in. Keep taking care of the team, okay? You've done a spectacular job so far, and I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me, since I can't really do anything, but I'm really impressed by what you can do, and you've become a role model for me to look up to. I can only hope to comfort and cheer people up the way you do, to bring to the team what you bring. It's amazing to watch._  
_And, since I'm gone now, you'll probably be the next paladin of the Red Lion. I love her a lot, so take care of her, okay? She might not open up right away, but I know she'll come around when you need her. She's very dependable like that. I know you've always secretly wanted to be a Paladin, and now you finally get to! Maybe I should have left sooner, just to finally give you the opportunity you deserve. Just remember to be a better part of the team than I was, okay? I know you can, you already are, but I just want to make sure you succeed where I couldn't. Red is a lot of fun to fly, so I'm sure you'll do great. Good luck!_

 _Sincerely,_  
_Lance_

Coran wasn't sure, but Red might have been crying. While Coran read his letter aloud, Red dropped her shield and opened her mouth, waiting for Coran to climb aboard once he was done.

Even as she let Coran in, Red made it  _very_ clear that this was  _temporary_.

Coran hoped it would be.

Coran sat in the pilot seat and felt wave after wave of despair wash over him as he sat, looking out into the hangar through the screens. Together, they sat there, missing Lance and wishing he was the one sitting in the pilot's seat, instead. But they knew what they had to do, what their responsibility was, and they would be ready to go the next time duty called, no matter how much it hurt.

* * *

Lance had only made it a couple of planets away before he had to land and get something to eat. He spent what little money he had with him on some unknown food of some kind, all the while kicking himself for not raiding the kitchen before he left.

Lance wandered around the space mall that he'd ended up in as he ate, looking at all of the things that might be useful to him but were too expensive for him to buy, considering he had zero currency of any kind. His lack of money didn't stop him from entering stores and looking around, however, and none of the shop owners seemed to care, except for one.

"Excuse me," someone cleared their throat, giving Lance a very pointed look once he looked up at them.

"Uh, yes?" Lance asked, pausing his leisurely stroll around the shop.

"What are you doing?" The man, who Lance assumed was the owner of the shop, questioned.

"Umm, looking around?" Lance wasn't even doing anything suspicious, surprisingly, so he didn't know what this guy's problem was.

"Do you have any money?" The man continued, raising an eyebrow at Lance.

"Nope," Lance said, popping the "p". "That's why I'm just looking around."

"Well, why don't you leave until you  _do_ have some money?" The shopkeeper suggested, glaring at Lance and gesturing towards the door.

"Where am I supposed to get money?" Lance grumbled, not expecting an answer.

"The fountain? An unsuspecting man's wallet? I don't know and I don't care, just don't come back until you have some." The owner of the shop snapped, pushing Lance out the door, seemingly unaware that he had just given Lance the best advice ever.

Lance's mission was time sensitive, so he couldn't get a job to earn money, and he needed a  _lot_ of money, for supplies and weapons and a  _better ship_ , so Lance would just have to steal what he needed. The thought of stealing made Lance uneasy, what with being the defender of the universe and all, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Besides, he was never good at the whole hero thing, anyway.

Lance hid in the rafters of the space mall until it was empty and dark, then he returned to the ground and scavenged along the floor and in the fountains for coins. By the time he had searched every available inch of the mall, he had a decent haul, but it still wasn't enough, so he found a secluded place to sleep until the mall closed again and he could resume his search with new stuff to work with.

After almost a week of stealing and scraping and searching, Lance finally had enough to buy what he needed. Lance's last bounty gave him the push he required, but it made him feel the worst. For the sake of saving time, Lance had ventured outside of his floor and fountain searching to steal the wallet off of a  _very_ wealthy looking lady alien, who was thoroughly distracted by Lance's charm and didn't even realize when he ran away with all of her money.

The wallet stealing ate Lance alive with guilt, but he didn't have time to worry about it, so he pushed it aside as he purchased everything he needed and packed it all into his brand new ship, setting out for his final destination.

* * *

Hunk told himself that he was never going to read Lance's letter, because reading it meant accepting that Lance was gone, and might not be coming back, and Hunk didn't want to think about that.

But after two weeks of Lance being gone, Hunk couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that  _Lance wasn't here,_ and he hoped his letter might have some answers. Plus, Yellow had been begging Hunk to read their letters to him ever since Allura had sent them to him, and Hunk couldn't ignore Yellow for much longer before he would drive him insane.

But Hunk was scared. What of Lance left  _because of him_? What if Hunk was a horrible friend, and drove Lance away? What if Lance needed something that Hunk could have given him, but he was too blind to see that Lance needed it?

Hunk was stuck between  _needing_ to know why Lance had left him and  _never wanting to find out_.

In the end, Hunk knew he'd never forgive himself if he didn't read them, so he grabbed his computer and let his feet guide him to Yellow's hangar as his mind wandered elsewhere. Once Hunk found himself in the pilot's seat, he got out his computer and pulled up the letters with the full intention of reading them, but he couldn't do it here.

Lance's words were too big for this tiny little hangar. His thoughts deserved the whole of space.

Yellow flew them outside, away from the ship but not too far, and let them float as Hunk slid out of his chair and made himself comfortable on the floor.

Hunk stared at his computer for a long time, his eyes never traveling past the first sentence of his letter.

_Dear Hunk (my bestest friend),_

Hunk couldn't read any farther than that. Yellow purred supportively, giving Hunk a hug with his mind.

"I'll read yours first," Hunk decided aloud, switching the file over to Yellow's letter.

"Are you ready?" Hunk asked, unsure if he was asking Yellow or himself. Yellow rumbled anyway, settling down as Hunk readied himself to read.

_Dear Yellow,_

  
_We haven't had much time to get to know each other, despite you being the Lion of choice for my best friend. You seem like a cool dude, though. Anyone who chooses Hunk, machine, alien, and human alike, has to be. Since I'm gone now, Hunk is probably gonna need a lot of help, a lot of support. And, because you're the strongest Lion, I know you can be that for him. Hunk is a very special dude, and I love him like a brother. I know you two will do amazing things together, but Hunk might need someone else to have his back, if I never make it home. I want you and Hunk to have a bond so strong it even makes me jealous._  
_I trust you to become the New Lance, in terms of Hunk's support system, and I trust Hunk to be The Best Paladin, in terms of_ your  _support system, because support is a two way street, and I would never ask you to give Hunk anything that he couldn't give back to you. Except for the whole like, pilot thing, because Hunk isn't a badass alien Lion, unfortunately. Just make Daddy proud, okay? I'll be watching you guys, from wherever I am._

 _Yours Truly,_  
_Lance_

Hunk missed Lance more than he had ever missed anyone in his entire life.

Hunk could feel the sadness radiating off of Yellow, and it did nothing to help combat the sadness radiating off of  _him_ , and Hunk could do nothing to stop the onslaught of tears that threatened to drown him. Eventually, because he knew both of them were waiting, Hunk pulled up his own letter and forced his eyes to travel past the first line as his voice followed suit.

_Dear Hunk (my bestest friend),_

  
_I miss you. I almost didn't leave, because every day you'd come and knock on my door, and ask how I was, and I didn't want to leave that, leave you. But, in the end, I was just taking advantage of your kindness, and never doing anything to give it back, and I couldn't sit there and take without giving anymore. I knew that if I left, you'd get a good idea of how healthy relationships are_ supposed  _to work, and you'd probably find a new best friend who could treat you like you deserve. And, if I come back, and you deny everything I'm saying like the idiot that you are, then I promise I'll work my_ ass  _off to be the best person I can be for you. I'm sorry I haven't started until now._  
_You've been a constant in my life since what seems like the beginning, and I'd be lost without you, and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. If I ever come back, I'm gonna give you a long, proper hug, because I love you, buddy. Don't be too sad without me, though, okay? You've still got Yellow, and the rest of the team, and they'll never leave you, not like I did. They're not selfish like me. Go kick some Galra ass, dude. I want your name in the space hall of fame, pronto._

 _Always and Forever,_  
_Lance_

After Hunk read the letter the first time, he immediately read it again, scanning each word over and over to make sure he read it right. Then he read it again, and again, and  _again_ , his voice going raw from the tears and the sheer amount of times he read the letter. Yellow was growling at him, telling him to stop, but Hunk couldn't. He couldn't stop shaking, stop crying, stop reading the words aloud, couldn't stop his body from shuddering as he struggled to breathe.

Hunk couldn't focus on anything other than the sharp pain in his chest, the sound of his voice reading the words out loud, even though he didn't know what the words were anymore. Hunk cried until he fell asleep, the words still on his tongue now a mantra in his head as he dreamt, now a skeleton in his closet as he forged on, alone and without Lance.

* * *

Almost two months ago, when Lance had gotten separated from the rest of the team, he had stumbled across what looked like an abandoned Galra control room in the very bottom of a huge ship, and Lance knew that he could probably glean some important, if not outdated, information from its midsts.

Lance wasn't a genius like Pidge, or smart like Hunk, or even intuitive like Keith, but he did know how to press random buttons until it looked like something important was happening, and that's how he got it.

That's how he got the information that lead him away from home, convinced him to leave his space family for the sake of a dangerous mission that might kill him. Because this information lead him to the  _rest_ of his space family, and if he could bring it back for his team... they'd be happy in a way that they hadn't been in a long time.

Now, Lance was zooming through space, on his way to one of the most dangerous planets in the cosmos, for the sake of rescuing Shiro and Matt from their Galra captors. By himself.

Maybe he should have thought this out a little better.

Maybe, he deserved to die, after a stunt like this.

* * *

Allura knew it was late, because even  _Pidge_ had gone to bed, but she knew she couldn't sleep even if she tried, even if she wanted to. The stars outside the observation deck window were just too pretty, and her mind was just too messy to be put to sleep. How was she supposed to sleep, supposed to relax, when Lance was still missing and the Galra had yet to attack and her team was sick with a sadness that she had never encountered before?

Allura's eyes flickered between the stars at the end of her nose and the computer screen settled on her knees, displaying Lance's letter that she had yet to read. She had encouraged the other Paladins to read theirs, but couldn't make her read her own, or Blue's, for that matter.

She wanted to read it, she was curious about what it said, but... reading it felt like defeat. The fact that she hadn't read it felt like defiance, felt like her telling Lance to come back and  _make_ her read it. If she gave in all on her own, then she would just be sitting,  _waiting_ for him to come back.

She knew he would come back. He had to. The team needed him more than they needed anyone else, even Shiro. Lance was the superglue of a broken space crew, the joke in a bad situation, the hug in a world full of isolation. He was an absolutely  _essential_ part of the team, and to think of him never coming back... it was terrifying.

The thought of Lance being unhappy enough to leave made a shiver run down Allura's spine. She didn't quite understand everything about humans and their emotions, but they weren't really  _that_ different from Alteans, and Allura beat herself up every day for not realizing sooner.

_How could none of them have noticed?_

The stars were the only thing keeping Alura grounded, the only thing strong enough to pull Allura from her poisonous train of thought. Except for Blue, of course. Allura closed her eyes as Blue spoke to her, and begged her to read Lance's letter.

Allura felt guilty keeping it from her, but she didn't know if she was ready to read it. However, if Blue wanted to know, who was she to try and stop her?

So Allura pulled up Blue's letter and read it in a whisper, funneling the words to Blue on a breeze in her mind.

_Dear Blue,_

  
_If you were to cut me open and look inside, all my organs would be blue. Except for my heart, of course, because I think I might be dead if that were true. Who knows, I might die anyway. Regardless, you were the first person I ever put my trust into, and even though our bond might not mean that much to you, especially now that you have Allura, I think I'll miss you more than anyone else. When I was your paladin, I was sure of myself, and I was sure of my place on this team, and I was sure of my ability to defend this universe, no matter how much of it I was seeing for the first time. Now, through no fault of your own, I'm not sure I belong_ anywhere, _or that I'm qualified to do_ anything.  _Isn't that scary?_  
_I hope you show Allura what you showed me; the love, the compassion, the sense of adventure. We had some good times, didn't we, girl? I miss you, and I can't wait to see what kind of amazing things you and Allura accomplish together. I'm very fond of you both. Stay amazing, and remember, everything but my heart beats for you._

 _Cheers,_  
_Lance_

Allura's heart was empty, and she hadn't even read her own letter yet. She had no more sadness to give, as it had already been leached out of her by Lance's absence and Lance's thoughts and Blue's silent tears.

Blue reached out for Lance, but she knew she'd never get an answer. Lance was gone in every sense of the word.

And now, it was Allura's turn to be lulled by Lance's words.

Allura pulled up her letter with shaking fingers, her eyes sliding shut before they could catch a glimpse of the words on the screen. Allura could only hope that it was something mean, to give her anger instead of sadness, to give her a reason to be  _glad_ that he was gone, instead of left aching in his absence.

She hoped, but she knew it wasn't true.

When her eyes reopened, they drew themselves to the first line of the letter and began to read.

_Dear Princess Allura,_

  
_I'm sure you know that when we first met, I thought you were beautiful. Now, as I look back on all that I've learned about you, and all that I've seen of you as you travel across and interact with this vast universe, I can proudly say that your_ _beauty flourishes on the inside, as well. I hear so many good things about you on all of the planets that we visit, and I know that you inspire so many people to fight back against the Galra, to fight for what's right. They look to you and they see a role model, a person who was targeted by the Galra but was not defeated, someone who was attacked and lived to tell the tale. They see the Paladins of Voltron behind you, and they see a continuation of your father's legacy, a diplomat who knows how to use their power only when is necessary. You are a wonder of the universe, and I couldn't ask for a better mentor, a better comrade to fight beside, a better example of how the universe should be._  
_I know that I talk too much, and have virtually zero actual skills to back up my words, but I am truly in awe of all that you are and all that you can be. Zarkon_ wishes _he was as iconic as you. Please, don't doubt yourself, or wonder if what you're doing is worth it. It's never been more important for your presence to be in the universe, to be fighting against its long oppressor. You're doing a wonderful job, I promise._

 _Faithfully,_  
_Lance_

Allura was wrong. She had  _so much more_  sadness to give, and Lance was taking it  _all_ , that selfish bastard.

Blue tried to comfort Allura, but Allura could feel the sadness rolling off of Blue in heart-wrenching waves, and it made Allura choke on the tears in her throat, made her wish she could sort through the stars in the sky until she found wherever Lance was hiding and brought him home.

But there were a lot of stars, and a lot of places to look, and a lot of places to hide if you didn't want to be found, and Allura knew that if she began her search, she would never,  _ever_  be able to convince herself to stop.

* * *

Lance knew that he was at the right planet (based on the description in the Galra records and the name blinking on his screen) but Lance desperately hoped that this wasn't the right one.

He was beginning to rethink his plan, his ability, and anything that lead him to believe that this was a good idea in the first place. Obviously, Lance couldn't single-handedly rescue two Galra prisoners from a volcanic mining planet, so what made him think he could? Why did he even entertain the notion? And why did he leave his teammates with the vague hope that he'd make it out alive?

There was no way.

Lance wasn't even on the ground yet, and he already knew that this was the deadliest planet he'd ever visited. Most of the surface was covered in flowing lava, and what was left over was mostly covered in Galra mining ships and temporary shelters.

Lance was nine-thousand percent boned.

Yet, something in Lance had him flying his ship towards the surface anyway. He'd come all this way, and given his family some sort of hope that he'd come back and bring something great with him, so shouldn't he at least  _try_ to deliver what he'd promised? At the very least, he could kill some Galra and maybe become a legend if he met his end in some epic, badass fashion. Like, surrounded by Galra and lava, guns blazing.

Lance didn't trust himself to come back to his ship alive, but if there was any chance he could at least get Shiro and Matt to the ship, even if he didn't make it back, then he had to take it. He knew his team would be over _joyed_ to have Shiro and Matt back. Lance, though, they could live without.

With one last glance towards his ship and one last assurance that he was packing every weapon that he brought with him (just a lot of guns, basically), Lance set out across the scorched terrain, in search of some trouble and, hopefully, his friends.

* * *

_Dear Castle Mice,_

_You little dudes are pretty awesome. The castle would never be the same without your little squeaks in the walls, and without all the help that you give the team. It's comforting to have you around._

The mice didn't like being alone in the castle. Especially when they could hear the voices of the Paladins yelling at each other, coaching each other through the battle.

This was the first battle for Coran as the Paladin of Red, and the mice were worried for him. They knew he could do it, he piloted the castle all the time, but still...

_"On your six, Keith! I'm heading over to help!"_

_"Thanks!"_

_"On your left, Coran! Watch out!"_

_"Your_ left,  _Coran! Do you know the difference between left and right?"_

_"I do! I just- panicked."_

_"Well stop panicking and help! We're being overwhelmed. Come on, team! We can do this."_

The mice wanted to help, but there wasn't anything for them to do. They couldn't pilot the castle, and they couldn't hold weapons, so basically all they could do was sit in the control room and offer chirps of support.

When the Paladins returned to the control room, victorious but just barely, the mice could hardly believe they were a functioning team. None of them were looking at each other, talking to each other, supporting each other or encouraging each other. Each of them had a grimace on their face and a faraway look in their eye, as if they weren't even here.

"We'll debrief another time," Allura said softly, crossing her arms over her chest tightly and holding herself. As soon as she was done speaking, the team disbanded quickly, all scattering off to the places they found themselves most often.

After deciding where to go first, the mice followed.

_I know that you guys adore this team just as much as we adore you, so you'll have to do me a favor. Now that I'm gone, the team will need someone to talk to. I don't think any of them want to dump their problems on another person (I was the exception), so I'm gonna ask that you guys be there for them and make sure they feel like they have somewhere to go. I know I shouldn't be passing my job off on you, but I was never very good at it, so maybe you guys can do better._

The mice found Hunk in the kitchen, just where they thought he'd be.

"Oh, hey, little guys," Hunk greeted as they hopped up on top of his cookbook. They squeaked in return, watching as Hunk bustled around the kitchen, gathering strange space ingredients and mixing them into some semblance of earth food.

Hunk really was amazing at cooking, even though he didn't have much to work with. The taste of food didn't matter much to the mice, but if they had to eat one person's leftovers for the rest of their lives, it would be Hunk's.

The mice were so entranced with Hunk's cooking that they almost didn't notice when Hunk started to cry.

"Sorry," Hunk huffed a laugh, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "I just started making Lance's favorite food by accident." The mice wondered if it was really an accident, but it didn't matter. Lance had asked them to comfort his family in his absence, so that's what they would do.

"Me? Yeah, I'm okay. I just miss him a lot," Hunk muttered, his eyes never leaving the concoction in front of him. "He's been gone for a long time." The mice could tell that Hunk didn't want to talk anymore, so they sat with him in comfortable silence until he slid his creation into the oven, and then they bid him farewell as they ran off to join Pidge in the lab.

The mice knew that they would never be a replacement for Lance, even if they ran around and visited everyone like Lance used to. They knew that they could never comfort the Paladins or make them okay again, simply because Lance still wasn't here. And, until he was, Team Voltron could never be fixed.

But, the mice tried. Lance had asked them to.

_I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for the team, and let you know that they wouldn't be Voltron without you._

_Adios,_  
_Lance_

* * *

The Galra were much better at finding Lance than Lance was at finding them. The air surrounding Lance was full of thick smoke and Lance could barely see two feet in front of him, but the Galra seemed well accustomed to their environment, and were able to form a circle around Lance in no time.

"Well, shit," Lance muttered, glancing around him to evaluate the situation. Lance was surrounded on all sides except for his back, which offered him a river of lava instead of angry Galra soldiers. Lance sighed and whipped out his bayard, leaving his other weapons as a last resort, and began to fire.

The Galra swiftly attacked from every side, seemingly unbothered by the fact that this was the farthest thing from a fair fight that Lance had ever participated in. Lance pushed down the panic swelling in his gut and just focused on  _shooting them_ , figuring that, if he could accomplish that much, he was doing alright.

After a while, Lance calculated that he was actually doing pretty well, considering he had only been shot once so far, but then, the Galra put down their guns and started pulling out  _swords_ (admittedly out of character, but no less terrifying), and Lance once again felt out of his element. 

It should have been easier to fight against swords, since they were close range weapons and his gun was not, but the Galra knew how to block his shots and fire them back at him, all while pressing closer on whatever side he wasn't currently focused on.

That's why he found himself with the hilt of a sword sticking out of his thigh, because he couldn't fight everywhere at once.

And even though his injuries hurt like  _hell_ (he had many more than just one, now), the adrenaline helped him push forward and shoot at the Galra like he had nothing to lose.

He did, in fact, have something to lose, but thinking about it too much would never help him, would it?

As capable as the Galra were, Lance had still been trained to be a Paladin of Voltron, and he still knew how to kick Galra ass, no matter how many there were. Once Lance got used to the swords, and learned when to shoot and when to duck, he began to mow them down one by one, until he was hopping over bodies just to bring down more.

However, one of the bodies on the ground wasn't quite as dead as it appeared, and as Lance jumped over it, it reached out a hand and threw him backward, feet first into the stream of lava that Lance had all but forgotten about.

He remembered now.

Lance stood up as fast as he could, surprised that his legs were still working, what with the agony flowing through his veins. Lance tried, but he couldn't swallow the scream in his throat, and he let out an agonized noise as his vision swam.

It hurt, it hurt  _so bad_ , but there were still Galra to fight, and there were still prisoners to save, and Lance had to keep going. He couldn't stop.

So he grabbed his gun, and aimed with a fury he had never felt before, and let the searing pain in his legs drive him forward as he killed with renewed vigor, shooting every last Galra ten times over.

And when every last Galra was dead on the ground, Lance aimed his gun at the blade in his leg, shooting off the excess so it wouldn't get caught or snagged as he moved forward.

Then, Lance took off towards the gaping hole in the ground, where he believed Shiro and Matt to be, and tried to avoid passing out (as that would be counterproductive and _quite_ embarrassing).

* * *

Pidge didn't want to read her letter, or Green's, until she had found a solution.

She had tried a couple things so far, like scanning the nearby star systems for any Altean building materials (she had found the escape pod, but no Lance) and sifting through the records of recent spaceship purchases that she had collected from various planets to see if she could find the one that Lance had bought (apparently he was smart enough not to use his real name, because Pidge gad  _every_ ship record from the past century), but nothing worked.

Now, she was getting desperate, stripping the DNA from random spots in his room and scanning the universe for anything that matched, staying up all night to see if she could find  _some_ thing,  _anything,_ useful.

She hadn't, not yet.

But, maybe... maybe there was something in her letter, in Green's letter, that could help, give her some direction as to where to look,  _how_  to look.

So she caved. She walked to Green's hangar, wishing she was just smart enough to find him with _out_ this stupid letter, wishing she could just have her family back.

"I need your help," Pidge said, resting her hand on Green's leg. Green purred in response, opening her mouth to let Pidge inside.

"Lance left us some letters," Pidge told Green, settling sideways in her seat. "I haven't read them yet, but... I thought they could help. I'm gonna read yours first." Pidge knew that if she read  _hers_ first, she wouldn't be able to make it through Green's.

There was an ache in her chest that had moved in after Lance left, and she knew that, after she read these letters, that ache would consume her.

_Dear Green,_

  
_Can I call you Greenie? You seem like the type to appreciate a good nickname, and Pidge already has one, so I'm gonna call you Greenie. Well, Greenie, I know we don't know each other very well, considering there hasn't been much need for cross-Lion bonding, but the universe couldn't have picked a better Lion for Pidge. You two are so much alike, you know. And, I know Pidge can hold her own and kick some ass whenever she wants, but science is more her thing, and I'm glad that you're there to protect her whenever the science side of her mind takes over. It can't be easy, your attention being divided like that._  
_Pidge is such an impressive little scientist, and you're such an impressive little killing machine, and I love to watch you guys in action, working as a team. Maybe one day Pidge will figure out how to turn herself into a robot and you guys will be able to live together forever as the kick-ass green science team. Wouldn't that be cool? You'd definitely make it in the space hall of fame. Regardless, make good use of the time you have together, and remember that there's nothing more important than a good team._

 _XOXO,_  
_Lance_

Green purred, filling Pidge with warmth and fondness as she finished Green's letter.

"I miss him, Green," Pidge sighed, closing her eyes. "I want him to come back, really badly." Green rumbled comfortingly, prodding Pidge to read her own letter.

"If I read this, will you help me find him?" Pidge knew it was a lot to ask, that it might not even be possible, but she just wanted to hear her say it. She wanted to hold on to as much hope as she could manage to get her hands on.

Green agreed, knowing how much it meant to Pidge, knowing that it couldn't hurt to at least  _try._

After Green agreed to help, Pidge opened her file, taking a shuddering breath as she mentally prepared herself for what she might read.

_Dear Pidge,_

  
_I miss your hugs. They were always similar to how I imagine a koala would hug someone, what with the way you wrap your entire body around whoever you're hugging. If I tried to do that, a lot of people would just get mad at me. I think it works for you because you're so small. Regardless, I miss them, and I miss you. You'll have to catch me up on all of your new inventions when (_ if _) I get back, since that was always my favorite part of the day. I hope you invent a robot dog, or something. Or, just ask Allura if you can get a_ real  _dog. That'd be better._  
_Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Because of you guys, Team Voltron, did a lot for me, and even if it's not where I'm meant to be, even if I can't give the team what the team has given me, I wouldn't trade my time there for anything. I hope you can replace me, fill my spot with someone who deserves it, because this team is something_ so special,  _and it deserves to be treated as such. I guess I don't know how to be serious, so I can't appreciate it in the right way. But, someone out there can. Stay scary smart, little scientist. I'll be watching._

 _Hugs,_  
_Lance_

Not even science could account for the pain in Pidge's chest, the static in her mind, the wetness on her face. She needed Lance to come back, they  _all_ needed Lance to come back, but she was stuck here with nowhere to go, too many places to look, and too little to go off of.

She didn't have any algorithms to find untraceable things in the whole of space, and she didn't have any starting points to search systematically. She was overwhelmed by the size of the universe, by the helplessness she felt by not knowing  _where to look_ , by all of the  _sheer possibilities_ presented to her.

She had never been one to sit back and let the universe do what it would without at least  _trying_  to take action, but what could she do now? The universe had made a decision for her, and for once, she couldn't argue.

All she could do was sit.

* * *

How anyone could survive on this planet was a mystery to Lance. He supposed it was a good  _punishment_ , but most of the Galra were just here to mine. To mine  _what_ , Lance didn't know. He only knew what was covered in his stolen information, such as, the location of two very important prisoners.

Shiro and Matt were supposedly being put to work at the very core of the planet, accessible through only one tunnel. The tunnel Lance was currently falling down.

Lance barely remembered to use his thrusters to keep himself from crashing into the ground, narrowly avoiding an anticlimactic death and instead crashing into the wall.

"That was smooth," a Galra soldier laughed, walking up behind Lance.

"Shut the fuck up," Lance snapped, shooting him in the face before their interaction could continue. After glancing around and seeing only one direction to go (and trying to ignore the sweltering heat and the intense need to fall asleep and never wake up), Lance stumbled even closer to the center of the planet, sweat sliding down his skin and stinging his injuries.

Every Galra that Lance encountered was met with a swift shot to the face, and Lance idly wondered how the Galra could survive down here, since Lance was sure he would die if he spent two more seconds in this place.

It was  _hot_.

Eventually, Lance came across what looked to be a prison cell, currently guarded by _zero_  Galra sentries and a human looking lock.

Uninterested in being discreet, Lance promptly shot off the lock and pulled open the door, swiping the sweat away from his eyes with a gloved hand.

"Shiro," Lance wheezed, glancing around the cell. "Boy, am I glad to see you." Shiro and Matt were both laying on the ground, practically naked, their skin shimmering in the fiery light. Matt appeared to be unconscious, and Shiro didn't look too far behind, and Lance wondered how long they'd been down here.

"...Lance? H-how did you... find us?"

Lance was distracted from Shiro's reply by some faint shuffling behind him, and, without turning to look, he raised his rifle and shot behind him, waiting for the telltale thump of a dead body before he continued.

"I'll explain later. For now, let's get you guys out of here."

Lance helped Shiro to his feet and pulled Matt over his shoulder, gritting his teeth as he set the fastest pace he could manage and led them back out of the tunnels. Once they reached the opening shaft (the one where Lance had almost plummeted to his death), Lance quickly made up a plan that he hoped wasn't  _too_ much bullshit, and told Shiro to wrap his arms around his waist.

After Lance directed Shiro's arms to  _beneath_ his gunshot wound and adjusted his grip on Matt, Lance rocketed into the sky, unsure of how far his jetpacks would take them. When he felt his packs start to run empty, Lance reached out his free arm and made a grab for the side of the cliff, just barely managing to hold on as the packs quit completely. Lance hung there, the weight of three people threatening to pull his arm out of its socket, until his jetpacks had readied themselves for another trip.

Lance repeated the process several more times until they reached the top and he pulled them over the edge, no thanks to Matt or Shiro, who were now both unconscious. Lance didn't have the time or the energy to investigate why, he just needed to get all three of them back on that ship and back home.

Lance heaved Shiro over his other shoulder and begged his aching legs not to buckle under the weight as he began the slow trek back to his ship, his ship that, hopefully, hadn't melted in all the heat.

At least Lance's training had given him the strength he needed to get Shiro and Matt back to his ship, both physically and mentally, because by the time they made it inside, Lance was sobbing, his legs burning, his body aching, his muscles sore.

His leg was bleeding much faster now, and the bottom half of his legs were numb with pain, and he had to fight to get his hands to respond as he started his ship and flew away. But he did it, and he focused on taking deep breaths as he navigated back to where he hoped the Castle of Lions would be.

Now, Lance just had to fly them back as fast as he could manage, and make sure he didn't fall asleep or pass out or run into trouble, since that would surely kill him.

* * *

_Dearest Keith._

_Dearest Keith, dearest Keith, dearest Keith._

Even though Keith had programmed the gladiators to play Lance's letter for him out loud, word for word as he fought them, Keith's brain hadn't let him listen past the first two words.

They kept him awake every night, haunted him during the day.

_Dearest Keith,_

  
_I told Blue that she was the one I would miss the most, but that was before I wrote your letter. You'll have to be the one to break the news to her, since I'm gone._

Keith hadn't meant to let himself listen to that much, but it had distracted him, and now the gladiators had pinned him to the mat, projecting Lance's stupid words into his captive ears.

Keith clapped his hands over his ears and yelled, telling the gladiators to end the training sequence, just so Keith didn't have to hear them anymore. One day, he would beat them, beat them and their words, and finally know how to defeat every one of his weaknesses.

But for now, he still couldn't fight them, couldn't think about what they were saying or who they were speaking for without falling apart, without wishing that he had never written that stupid program.

Black was worried about him. He was being a piss-poor leader right now, he hadn't seen his team for weeks. He had eyes on them at all times, so he knew where they were and how to avoid them, but he didn't want to see them, didn't want to speak to them, didn't want to stand near enough to them to breathe in their sadness and allow it to clog his lungs.

The stench of tears already permeated everything that Keith did these days, he didn't need to add to the smell.

Black was terrified for him. He was falling apart, but he refused to admit it. So what if he trained all day, slept for an hour or two, and only ate when it was late at night and he had nothing else to do? So what if his head ached from the tears and his body ached from the training and he never gave himself a break, even when he knew he desperately needed one?

So what if Keith couldn't close his eyes without seeing Lance's laughing face, and needed the gladiator's monotone words to block out the sound of Lance's voice in his mind?

_So what?_

It didn't matter, anyway. None of it did.

Because Keith still hadn't read Lance's letter, hadn't let himself hear it, hadn't let himself wonder about what it said. And the second that Keith gave in, let himself take in the words that he was so very afraid of, he would be gone forever. Nothing would be able to bring him back.

But Keith couldn't fool himself forever. He  _needed_ to read that letter. He needed to let himself hear what the gladiators had been trying to tell him for weeks now, because it was the only part of Lance that he had left.

And Lance's words had always been Keith's favorite part.

So Keith left the training deck, computer in hand, and trailed his hand along the walls as he walked towards Black's hangar.

Keith never expected to fall apart like this. He knew, somewhere in his mind, that it was a possibility, but he had never really considered it, mostly because he had never really considered the thought of Lance being  _gone_.

But Keith felt Lance's absence like a stone in his stomach, getting heavier and heavier, pulling him down every day that he went without seeing Lance's smiling face.

It had been almost a month without him, and Keith was sure that he was nearing rock bottom. He wasn't sure where he would go after that, but he was almost positive he would still be going down.

Black was already trying to comfort him as soon as he stepped into the hangar, but the waves of warmth just made him feel sick.

"Please," Keith begged, his voice breaking. He couldn't remember the last time he had used it. Black understood, and opened his mouth to let Keith climb inside.

Keith wedged himself under the control panel in the tightest ball he could manage, relishing in the feeling of Black all around him.

"Should I read it?" Keith asked, knowing that Black would understand. Keith already knew the answer Black would give, so it was no surprise when he conveyed that,  _yes,_ Keith should read it.

"Yours or mine first?" Keith didn't wait for Black to answer, pulling up Black's letter as fast as he could and scanning over it with his eyes. Black interrupted him, giving him directions.

"Out loud?" Keith whispered, trying not to sound as scared as he felt, even though Black knew exactly what he was going through.

Keith closed his eyes, drawing a shaking breath before he began again, out loud this time.

_Dear Black,_

  
_I can imagine that you and Keith are perfect brooding buddies, with your dark demeanor and your edgy, pretty little pouts. Sometimes I wish I was less of a goofball, just so I could join the party. It looks like a lot of fun, you'll have to tell me about it sometime. For now, though, I just want you to do me one teeny, tiny, little favor. Remind Keith that he's a kick-ass leader whenever he needs to hear it, okay? I know that no matter how many times I tell him, he'll never believe me, but maybe it'll mean a bit more, coming from you. Maybe hearing the words from a sentient space lion will help cement the fact that he's a great leader, and an important part of the team, and completely and utterly irreplaceable. Until the day that I can turn myself into a sentient space lion, that will have to be your job._  
_You're a better man than I, Black. I really appreciate everything that you do for him, for us, for the universe as a whole, and I hope that one day, when this war is over, you get to take a nice vacation to a space beach or something. Maybe I can recommend a few places for you. Until then, remember that you're a strong, independent lion that don't need no man, but has a team to support and a Paladin to take care of, and remember that Keith loves you more than anything (more than even_ hamburgers.  _That's a lot). And then, maybe we can swap embarrassing stories about Keith (if and) when I get back._

 _Until Then,_  
_Lance_

Keith moved on to his own letter before any of the words could sink in, trying to steady his voice as he pressed on.

_Dearest Keith,_

  
_I told Blue that she was the one I would miss the most, but that was before I wrote your letter. You'll have to be the one to break the news to her, since I'm gone. Speaking of news, I have some for you. I felt like I should tell you about this, since you deserve to know and I might never come back. If I do come back, well, this will be awkward, but, really, what are the chances that will happen? Slim to none, most likely. Anyway, here is my news; from the information that I have gleaned and gathered, and based on personal experiences, advice from my mom, and a weird book about soulmates I found on a random alien planet (that I read simply because I was bored), I have come to the conclusion that I may be a tiny bit in love with you. Or, a_ lot  _a bit in love with you._  
_Now, let me explain. When we were first learning about_ what it meant _to be a Paladin of Voltron, and, more importantly, how to_ be  _a Paladin of Voltron, and we hadn't yet moved out of the "petty rivals" stage of our relationship, I was absolutely_ positive  _that I hated you. I could barely stand to be in the same room as you, and everything you said made me want to pull out my bayard and shoot myself in the head, and I was really just displeased with you as a person. But then, you quickly became tolerable, and then enjoyable, and then, heaven forbid,_ favorable _, and I wasn't sure when it had changed or_ what  _had changed, but I just kind of wanted to follow you around like a lost puppy and talk to you and train with you and listen closely to every word that came out of your mouth, even if it was an insult directed at me._  
_Obviously and understandably, these developments freaked me the_ fuck out _, because I'd never had it this bad for another person_ ever _, let alone for someone I used to hate and that surely still hated me, but I guess, me and my winning personality decided to just ignore it. Because I lack the ability to function in serious situations, and this was no exception. So I pushed it to the back of my mind, and left it alone, and made myself sleep every night just so I wouldn't waste time thinking about_ you _._  
_As you can see, I'm an embarrassment to the Earth and my family and this team, and I could have gone my whole life without telling you_ any  _of this, but I guess a part of me wanted you to know. And now you do, so, do with it what you will._  
_Also, side note, I miss you a lot and I'm proud of you and I'm counting on you to keep the team functioning, because, while the universe needs you, none of you need me._

 _Entirely Too Much Love,_  
_Lance_

If Lance didn't show up in the next week, Keith knew he would give up everything to go find him himself. Because this, this was unacceptable.

Lance was gonna come back, and tell Keith he loved him  _to his face_ , and Keith was going to say it back, over and over, until Lance never wanted to hear those words again.

* * *

Two planets, half a day away.

Lance could make it that far, right?

Assuming the castle hadn't moved, and that Lance stayed awake, he could be there before he knew it.

He could be home, back with his family, and most importantly,  _not dead_.

That is, if they still wanted him.

He had been gone for a  _while_ , so, what if they already replaced him?

He had  _told_ them to, so he wouldn't be  _that_ surprised if they listened to him, but it would still hurt.

What if they found someone  _amazing_ , someone just like Lance but undeniably  _better_ , the perfect replacement?

What would happen to Lance?

No matter how many times he thought about it, and asked himself this question, he never had an answer. Lance couldn't imagine himself  _anywhere else_ , as much as he felt he didn't belong there.

And now, as Lance was only  _one_ planet, only a  _fourth_ of a day away, he began to panic.

If he wasn't carrying such important cargo, he would have turned around completely.

Lance wished that Shiro would wake up and tell him that his team needed him, that they could never replace him, hadn't even  _thought_ of doing it, and were simply waiting for his return. But Shiro stayed blissfully unaware, still unconscious, so Lance grit his teeth and wiped his eyes and forged on.

Even if his team didn't want him, they would want Shiro and Matt, and he at least owed it to them to deliver them safe and sound.

Once the Castle of Lions was visible, and Lance's body sagged in relief, Lance stopped his thrusters and let his ship float as he stood, legs screaming in protest, and went about gathering Shiro and Matt for departure.

 _Why is Shiro so bloody?_ Lance wondered, beginning to pat him down for missed injuries. Finding none, Lance realized that it was  _his_ blood, and shook his head, laughing a bit.  _Silly me_. How could he forget?

Once Lance had secured Shiro and Matt over his shoulders, he left his ship, letting his jetpacks move him towards the bay door. It opened swiftly, just as it always had, and pulled Lance and his passengers inside, closing again behind them.

Lance struggled to his feet, the weight of the bodies he was carrying tearing apart his thoughts as the gravity returned and hit him hard.

Once his vision stopped swimming and he thought he could walk without falling, Lance took a step, and then another, and promised himself he could make it one more step, even though it was seeming less and less likely that he could, in fact, make it one more step.

However, fate was on his side today, and Lance managed to keep a handle on his consciousness until he reached the doorway of the control room.

It slid open with a hiss, and whoever was talking immediately stopped, but Lance wasn't paying attention. He knew they were probably staring, probably gaping at him, but he  _wasn't paying attention_.

All Lance could focus on was gently easing Shiro to the ground, laying him out before slipping Matt from his other shoulder and making sure he was comfortable as well, then letting his entire being relax and collapse to the ground beside them.

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_I'm not sure you'll ever get to read this letter, because if I never return to the ship then I will not have found you, but hopefully it finds its way into your hands, safe and sound. I know it's probably strange for you, being back at the ship. You've been gone for a long time, and whenever we collectively get the chance, you should tell us all about it. I thought that maybe you'd be insecure about your place on this team, seeing as we all had to find a way to get one without you, had to mold ourselves to cover the hole that you left. Maybe you're even angry that I brought you back, since you don't know what to do with yourself now. If you are, then I'm sorry. But, you didn't have to watch the team fall apart in your absence like I did. When you disappeared, we all realized that we were just a bunch of scared kids, left to defend the universe with virtually no direction and guidance. And, losing our leader, our role model, to some unknown force that we didn't understand and certainly couldn't fight against was nothing short of a wake-up call._  
_So, when I stumbled across some information that could supposedly lead me to where you'd been all this time, I couldn't ignore it. But, I also couldn't risk the rest of the team finding out. Watching them try to cope without you was_ awful _, and I knew that if I gave them hope of your return and then came back with nothing, it would break them all over again. So I left. Well, if you're reading this, then that means that I left, and brought you back, and accomplished everything that I set out to do. Unless I'm dead, in which case, I didn't quite accomplish_ everything _I set out to do. Regardless, I hope you realize how important you are to us, and why I had to bring you back, and what it means now that you've returned to us. Welcome home, Shiro. We've missed you._

 _Your Biggest Fan (besides Keith, of course, because he's a little obsessive),_  
_Lance_

Shiro was  _so_ thankful that Lance had brought him and Matt back, but now, after spending a few hours with the team, he was even  _more_ thankful that Lance had brought him _self_ back.

Lance caused the team more emotional turmoil that Shiro had ever seen in his  _life_.

Shiro knew it wasn't intentional, and he knew that Lance genuinely thought that there was a chance he wouldn't make it back alive (and, based on the state he returned in, it was a greater possibility than he would like to admit), but as soon as Shiro stepped out of his cryopod, about five hours after his return, he could immediately see that the team was in  _shambles_.

Shiro collected and read everyone's letters except for Keith's (who told him that, although he was happy he was back, Shiro would get to read Lance's letter over  _his dead body_ ), and Shiro was immensely grateful that he had been the one Lance was retrieving, not the one Lance was leaving behind.

If Shiro had gotten a letter like that, it would have torn him apart.

Then, Allura informed him that he  _had_ gotten a letter like that, under admittedly different circumstances.

Shiro read his letter, and then read it again, and wished for Lance to hurry up and  _heal_ already, so that Shiro could try and express to him  _just_ how much he meant to this team.

It was obvious, after reading his letters, that he had no idea.

And, it was obvious, after seeing the state that everyone else was in, that they had no idea that he  _didn't know._

Shiro and the rest of the team waited, for four long days, until Lance was ejected from the pod. Shiro and Matt kept everyone else out and away from the medbay, assuring them that they would let them know when he was done, but he didn't need to be ambushed as soon as he was able.

Shiro and Matt were there when Lance took his first breath, and caught him when his legs gave out, and checked his body for leftover injuries just to make sure that he was as healthy as he could be, then sat down to talk to him about  _what the fuck was up_.

* * *

_"Lance?" Pidge asked, her voice barely escaping her throat, even though she had just been talking two seconds ago._

_Lance didn't answer, didn't even look at her, as he eased a body off of his shoulder and onto the ground, being very gentle and caring with the way he handled him. Pidge's eyes flicked over the scene in front of her until she caught sight of the bodies_ face _, and saw who it was._

_"S-Shiro?" Pidge asked again, unable to move. It seemed like no one else in the room could, either, every one of them stock still and staring at the door. Again, Lance made no move to acknowledge the other people in the room, simply letting the other body slip softly from his other shoulder and land very carefully on the ground, a good distance from where Shiro already lay._

_Pidge's voice caught in her throat as she saw who else Lance had laid before them._

_"_ Matt?!"  _Pidge couldn't believe it. Is this where Lance had gone, why he had left? Why couldn't he have just told them, let them help?_

_Lance had a small smile on his face as he let himself fall, as he let his body crumple to the ground, situated between Shiro and Matt on the floor._

_As soon as he landed, Keith was sprinting forward, looking unsure of who he should check on first. He crouched next to Shiro, having made his decision, and checked him for a pulse, then inspected Matt next, giving the team a relieved look once he knew they were both alive._

_Pidge's mind kicked into gear then, commanding her feet to move forward and get a better look at Lance._

_Keith was already there, his hand running through Lance's hair, his mouth murmuring words that none of them understood as his eyes raked over Lance's body and began to spill._

_Pidge hated what she saw._

_Lance's face was dirty, marred by what Pidge assumed was both sweat and tear tracks, the bags under his eyes obvious and flourishing. The armor on his arms and the skin underneath were crisscrossed with little nicks and cuts, not too bad but undoubtedly painful. It only got worse from there as Pidge took in the gunshot wound to his side and the blade sticking out of his leg, the wound bleeding more than anything Pidge had ever seen. The bottom half of Lance's legs were the worst, though, burnt almost beyond recognition. The burns looked horrible, bubbling and blistered and infected, his suit and his skin having melted to become one, and the sight made Pidge gag, her eyes tearing up._

_"Come on, Keith. We have to get him to a cryopod," Pidge urged, her words coming out as a sob. Keith very gently slid his arms under Lance's limp frame, cradling him to his chest as he took off running to the medbay. The rest of the team seemed to snap out of their trance then, helping Pidge carry Matt and Shiro to the medbay as well._

_Once everyone was in a pod and had begun the healing process, Pidge let herself close her eyes, let herself float somewhere between asleep and awake, and patiently waited for everything to be all better._

* * *

Lance gasped, his eyes flying open as his body pitched forward and was caught by a pair of strong arms before his mind could even think about moving his legs to help.

"Welcome to the land of the living, Lance," Shiro said, his hands lightly brushing over Lance's skin, likely checking to make sure he was fully healed.

"How long?" Lance asked, his voice raspy and painful in his throat.

Shiro paused, looking down at Lance with unreadable features.

"Four days,"

Lance loosed a breath, his eyes sliding shut.

"That's a long time,"

"It is," Shiro agreed, extending a hand to Lance and pulling him to his feet. "But, it doesn't matter, because you're alive, and you're healed, and most importantly, you're  _home_."

"So are you," Lance pointed out, uncomfortable with Shiro's laser focus on him.

"Yes, and I'm incredibly thankful," Shiro said with a smile, pulling Lance in for a hug. No matter why Lance left, no matter what he did and went through while he was gone, he was certainly glad to be back.

"Lance, I'd like you to meet Matt. I know you saved his life and all that, but you've still never been properly introduced, so," Shiro shrugged, a small smile on his face as he held out a hand, presenting Matt to him.

"Hello," Matt said with a grin that was scarily similar to Pidge's. It made sense, them being related and all, but it was still unnerving.

"Nice to meet you," Lance greeted with a smile of his own.

"Now, Matt, you can stay for this part, but you don't have to. I just need to talk to Lance about a few things before he can see the rest of the team." Lance gulped, eyeing Matt and hopefully portraying just how much he wanted him to stay.

Maybe Shiro would take it easy on him of Matt was here.

Matt just gave Lance a sympathetic look and shook his head as he made his leave, calling back to them as he went. "I won't tell them that Lance is out yet, because I doubt you'd be able to keep them out if they knew. Have fun!"

And then he was gone, leaving Lance alone with Shiro.

"Look, Lance. I'm gonna keep this short, okay? We've both had a rough couple of months, and all of us just need to take a break from this serious, heavy shit and spend some time together, healing. But, there's a couple things that I absolutely cannot leave unsaid, especially in light of recent events.   
I read most of the letters that you left for various members of the team in your absence, everyone but Keith's, to be exact, and they have raised a lot of questions in me and the others; the most obvious and pressing question being  _why_ and for  _how long_  you feel this way about your place on the team. Whether it's a fault of the team or a misunderstanding or a genetic disposition, it's important for us to understand and correct any issues like this, to make us stronger and closer. And, it's just healthier, and will make us all happier.   
      We don't have to get into it now, but the entire team and I, and that includes Matt, the Lions, the mice,  _everyone_ , want you to be aware of and  _understand_ how much you mean to us. You are a large part of what makes this team  _functional_ , and without you and your jokes and your personality, we would all be a lot worse off. I know that me, sitting here and trying to cram words into your head, isn't going to fix everything, or anything, even, but it's a starting point, and we have to start somewhere, don't we?"

Lance nodded once he realized Shiro was waiting for a response, then fell forward into Shiro's waiting arms for another hug.

Shiro was right, Lance still had his doubts about what he really  _brought_ to the team, but listening to him and seeing the effort he was putting into making sure Lance understood made him feel better.

"As much as I love and appreciate your words," Lance said, his voice muffled from where it was shoved into Shiro's chest. "Can we go see the rest of the team now?"

Shiro laughed, releasing Lance.

"Of course. Go, they've been waiting a long time for you."

* * *

Matt, you lying little shit," Pidge spat, her eyes narrowing at him. "You told us Lance wasn't out yet."

"Is he?" Keith asked, perking up.

"No," Matt insisted.

"Stop lying!" Pidge glared, pointing at her computer screen. "I can  _see_  him, I hacked into the castle security system. He's sitting on a bench, talking to Shiro."

"Pidge, I asked you to stop doing that," Allura sighed, giving her an unimpressed look.

"Sorry, Princess. This is important."

"Okay, fine, he's out." Matt admitted. "I just wanted to give Shiro some time to talk to him before you guys tried to storm the room."

"We would not have-" Hunk began, stopping as Pidge cut him off.

"Yes, we would have."

"Okay, you're right."

"What are they doing now?" Keith asked, bouncing his foot up and down.

"Shiro's still talking." Keith waited a few seconds, the room silent.

"And... now?"

"Still talking. I'll let you know when Shiro  _stops_ talking." The room returned to silence for what seemed like for _ever_ , until something shifted on the screen and Pidge alerted them of the change.

"They're hugging now. It's cute," Pidge informed them.

"Can I see?" Hunk asked, batting his eyelashes.

"No." Hunk pouted, crossing his arms.

"They're leaving the room now. Everyone act casual, and like you weren't just watching them through the security cams,"

"Aye, aye, captain," Hunk saluted, sinking into the cushions of the couch as Pidge put away her computer. Keith even actually managed to wipe the scowl off of his face before Shiro and Lance entered the room.

Lance looked almost scared of them, scared of how they would react to his presence after him being gone for so long. He stood just inside the doorway, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt while his eyes never left the ground. Pidge tore his eyes away from him and looked to her teammates, unsure of what the game plan was. Judging by the looks on their faces, none of them did.

Then, Allura was shaking her head, striding across the room to sweep Lance into a hug, laughing and crying and yelling as she swung him around and confirmed that he was  _here_.

It wasn't long before Hunk joined her, wrapping his arms around both of them as Pidge barreled into Lance's side, clinging to him like a koala, unwilling to let go for even a second. And then,  _everyone_  was there, pressing in as close as they could get, uncaring of who they were hugging as long as it was  _someone_ , some member of their family that they cared about and loved and couldn't live without.

Once the hug-fest was over, they sat around on the couches and swapped stories, telling each other about the horrors of Coran as a Paladin, and what Shiro and Matt had been forced to endure while they were enslaved, and how Lance came across the information that lead to them, and how he even managed to rescue them in the first place.

Then, Shiro was herding them all to bed, ever the space dad, telling them that they all deserved to sleep for  _days_ , after what they'd been through.

And when Lance finished hugging everyone again and finally stepped through his door, there was a single folded piece of paper on his bed, one that hadn't been there when he left. Lance hadn't seen paper in so long, he marveled at the sight of it.

Then he stepped closer, picked it up, and immediately recognized Keith's handwriting, from all the times he'd stared at it in the Garrison. The paper even smelled like him, as if he'd been keeping it by his side for a long time.

Lance very carefully unfolded the paper and began to read, fearing many of the things that he thought it might be.

He was unprepared, to say the least.

_Dear Stupid Lance,_

  
_Imagine this; your heart is split into three parts. The first is dedicated to family, their health, their happiness, their presence, and all that should come with it. The next is dedicated to love of the romantic variation, reserved for fondness and youth and butterflies and blushes that infiltrate your skin without you granting permission. The last is dedicated to yourself, to your accomplishments, your abilities, the things you're proud of and the things you wish you could change._  
_Now, imagine this; the closest thing you have to a real family member, a person that you consider a brother, goes mysteriously MIA during a battle against the ruler of the universe. Although the rest of your space family is still around, you haven't known them as long, and you haven't opened up to them in quite the same way, and no matter how guilty you feel about it, you still can't help but feel like a part of your heart has gone MIA, too._  
_Next, imagine this; the most annoying boy you've ever met is starting to brainwash you, and maybe it's because you've spent far too much time together, but now, all the little annoying things he does are tinted with fondness, too, and you don't mind him as much anymore. You find yourself laughing at his jokes, and leaning into his casual touch instead of flinching away, and no matter how much you yell at yourself and tell yourself it's not worth it, it'll never work, you find his name written all over that stupid section of your heart anyway. Then, he locks himself away, and no matter how many times you knock on the door, he won't open up. And then, he flies away, and no matter how many times you scream his name into the void, he won't come back. And that stupid part of your heart runs and hides, takes up residence somewhere that you can't reach, and refuses to be seen until he is._  
_Finally, imagine this; your space family is falling apart, and so are you, because too much of your heart is missing and you can't fill it up or replace it. The people that you depend on have been gone for too long, but you'll never, ever give up on them, because you need them to come back. If they don't come back, then neither will you. And just when your brain is getting angry, telling your heart to go look for them yourself and stop sitting around_ wishing,  _they come back. The most annoying boy you've ever met went out into the cosmos to bring your family home, and he didn't tell anyone what he was doing or why, just disappeared amongst the stars only to show up a month later, broken and bloody with your family in tow._  
_At first, you can't tell if your brother is alive, or if the other man with him is, either. But you're quick to check their pulse and confirm that they're here, and they're alive, and they're finally back. Then, your attention moves elsewhere, to the boy who's captured that stupid part of your heart, to the boy who's laying on the ground, unconscious and bloody, with injuries worse than anything you've ever seen. And once you get him the help he needs and he begins to heal, you thank the lord that you can't talk to either of them right away, because the pieces of your heart that were so recently missing were now rushing back at full force, capturing so much of your attention that you're sure you wouldn't be able to focus on anything else._  
_When your brother comes out of the pod just a few hours after he was put in, you hug him. You tell him that you missed him, that you're glad he's back and okay and alive. He ruffles your hair, flashes that smile he reserves for you, and tells you that he's never been happier to be anywhere in his entire life._  
_But you have to wait four days for that stupid idiot to get out of_ his  _pod, because he was stupid and rash and got himself hurt real bad. Although, as hard as you try, you can't be mad at him, because he's back and that stupid part of your heart is back and he_ brought back your family _and you're just so stupidly in love with him and it's ridiculous, but you can't find in it you to complain._  
_If you couldn't tell,_ _Lance,_ _you're the stupid idiot in my little story. You've somehow managed to capture an entire third of my heart, and not even a medium sized third, either. No, you've taken the largest one. If you ever leave again, I'm just gonna carve out my entire heart and throw it away, because I can't go through that again. Shiro, I would be able to live without. But you? No. Never. So please, just stay here with me. Or at least take me with you next time._

 _An Equal Amount of Excessive Love,_  
_Keith_

Lance carefully refolded his letter and walked across the hall to knock on Keith's door.

When Keith opened up, Lance was looking at him, smiling at him, hugging him, and then he was tilting his head up and kissing him, feeling him, pushing him back onto the bed and climbing on top of him, burying his face in his neck.

"I meant what I said," Keith told Lance, once they had wrapped each other securely in their arms and settled down.

"And I had no idea you had such a way with words," Lance retorted, tightening his grip on Keith's body.

"Lance," Keith urged Lance to look at him, guiding his face up with a finger. "I wanna hear you say it. Tell me you're not gonna leave us again, that you're not gonna leave  _me_ again."

The look in Keith's eyes was something Lance had never seen before, and he knew that he could say the words with total certainty, that he would never even consider it an option.

"I promise, Keith. I'm not gonna leave you, ever again. I love you."

Keith's face crumpled at the words, and he pulled Lance's mouth to his.

"Me too, Lance," Keith mumbled against his lips. "I love you  _madly_."

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this actual mess


End file.
